Satire

Typing away on his MacBook Pro, senior Brad Abbot struggles with his college applications in a search for ways to make his life sound miserable and make admissions officers feel bad for him.

“I can’t help but feel like all of these disadvantaged students have a massive advantage over me,” Abbot said. “It’s not my fault I was born into wealth; what gives these schools the right to discriminate against me?”

Abbot, who lives with his mother, father and their four peacocks is worried that because both his parents are lawyers with six-figure salaries and close personal friends of the Royal Consort Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, of House Mountbatten, colleges may be less inclined to accept his application versus a student with the same grades who has faced socioeconomic challenges.

“We reserve the right to consider the socioeconomic status of our students,” admissions officer Janet Smith said. “We will only ever use economic status to elevate students; it will never be a disqualifying factor.”

Abbot nevertheless feels discriminated against, enlisting his parents’ help to bring a lawsuit against the school.

“College admissions are a zero-sum game,” Abbot said. “Because [disadvantaged students] are being elevated above me, if I was one of these peasants, uh, I mean, disadvantaged students — I would have a much better shot at getting in.”

Abbot argues his own life experience is more than enough to demonstrate a strong character worthy of admission.

“It’s not easy to be in the top 1% either, you know,” Abbot said. “Nobody talks about how hard it is to live up to the family tradition of being nationally ranked for both polo and sailing, all while managing your own hedge fund. I deserve a shot the same as everyone else.”